"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."

"I remixed a remix, it was back to normal."

"I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on."

"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."

"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown; there's nothing for 'em there. So I went into a Subway, and I asked for some bread. But the girl behind the counter said, "I cannot sell you the bread without something on it. It is against store policy to sell just the bread." I guess the sides ain't supposed to touch. So I said "Okay, put some lettuce on it." She said, "That'll be $3.95" and I said," It's for a duck" and she said," Well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Apparently, ducks eat free at the Subway. "Can I have a meatball sub, please. Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck. There's fifty ducks out there and they all want Sun Chips!"

"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever."

"I wanted to do my smokey the bear joke in England, but I had ask if they had smokey the bear in england, and they don't. They have SMACKY THE FROG. I think that is a way better system, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Like, never has there been a frog hoppin' towards me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog. I better play dead." Never have I said "here comes that frog" in a horrified manner."

"It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?"

"I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the donut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that donut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for donut."

Mitch Hedberg